T. E. Lawrence Correspondence – Page 547

debts, and the balance is to go to a charity in which I am interested. Did I tell you (I did not go about explaining myself) that I consider Arab I did in Arabia morally indefensible? So I refused pay and decorations while it lasted, and will not take any personal profit out of it: neither will I take any position which depends on my war- reputation. "Arabia-barred." Publishers would pay money for any article I wrote as "Lawrence", but I have finished with that name, and printed all I mean to print about my war activity. I write occasionally under other names, but my staff has no commercial value: I require books, and get myself free copies of books that way. There is no money in anonymous work. I can't write a novel, and if I did it would not be a good novel, probably. And I don't feel qualified as a writer. I do not like the idea of struggling for 20 years, with a never-hot-boiling, with the risk always of running dry. I can't, of course, write about Arabia. That is barred by the self-denying ordinance. So you see the case is pretty hopeless. I have an excellent private intelligence and have looked at myself and my prospects from every angle; and can see no way of bettering myself. I propose to stay in the R.A.F. as long as I can, it being the line of least resistance; and when it rejects me, to get a job as night-watchman at some Bank or block of Offices in the City. ... a failure, I have no trade I can work at. Lowell Thomas was 10 days in Arabia. He saw me for two of those, and again one day in Jerusalem: and afterwards I breakfasted with him, once or twice in London. His book is silly and inaccurate: sometimes deliberately inaccurate. He meant well. No, I have written nothing else of any interest; a little archaeology, some translations from the French: some reviews of books. My father's name (and therefore mine) was neither Shaw nor Lawrence. But the other day I adopted Shaw as my legal name. So it will be that till further notice. It is a short simple name, easily pronounced and spelt. There, in answering your letter, I have written mine. It is exceedingly good of you to want to help me so much, and I'd not hesitate to take advantage of it if my sense of fitness would allow me to profit by you. But experience has taught me that I will inevitably turn down every job I'm given the chance of getting -- the truth being, I fancy, that the service has become a second nature to me, and that I'll feel lost if (or when) if chucks me out.